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Catholic Guilt

by Rory Strong

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1.
Mr. Kirby 03:11
He said, “Take two in the morning, you’ll feel better. It’ll be good for your health.” I said, “I’m sorry, Mr. Kirby, but you’ve got my confused with someone else.” And Amanda’s at the airport, and she’s asking me for answers. But me, I’m too consumed with myself. And not thirty minutes later I felt freaky, I felt cooked to the bone. I said, “I’m sorry about the volume. I’s just looking for a better tone.” And now Susan’s all accusing me of acting anti-social. But me, I’m happier on my own. I’m happier on my own in the nighttime. Going home, I’ve been getting unsightly. You said, “Are you alone?” I said, “I might be.” You said, “Are you alone?” I said, “I might be.” He said, “Skip ‘em for three months, you’ll feel stranger, you’ll feel fucked by your self.” I said, “It’s funny, Mr. Kirby, but you love me better than anyone else.” And now everyone’s ecstatic ‘cause I’m coming home for Christmas. But me, I’ve got some bad news to tell. And those thirty minute bedchecks kept me lucid but I’ve been lightly impaired. And I fashioned myself a shield that I cut up from a kitchen chair. And now Susan’s hitting snooze again. All these dogs are on the loose again where all these colors fade in the air. The color’s fade in the air in the nighttime. Cutting my hair, I’ve been getting unsightly. I said, “Are you there?” You said, “I might be.” I said, “God, are You there?” You said, “I might be.”
2.
Outside the waiting room, there is a little garden. I watch the little desert cottontails sticking their little heads in. There days I’m free to care, I’m free to care. But I will not be ruled by it. I never thought I’d be standing on the other side of a hospital bed. Father, I’ve got a confession: Love my life more than I meant to. Who left the fruit in the garden? So unnamed parties would take a bite, wonder if it’s what their god secretly wants. You say you’re not like the other boys and maybe that’s true. Because we’ve all got cool tricks up our sleeves, but we’re never as cool as you. When you’re onstage and you’re rocking and you’re doing that thing that you do. When you’re onstage and I love you and you’re doing that thing that you do. Father, I’ve got a confession: Love my life more than I meant to. Who left the fruit in the garden? So unnamed parties would take a bite, wonder if it’s what their god secretly wants. So unnamed parties would take a bite in wonder. Yeah, so unnamed parties would take a bite in wonder. Yeah, so unnamed parties would take a bite and wonder if it’s what their god secretly - Could I know what my god secretly wants?
3.
Father Campbell, looking regal in a cassock. Oh Julia, do you think that you could keep a secret? Last night I saw something move in the casket. Even next to your body, all of my prayers become selfish. Fentanyl patch, stuck to your back make you sicker. We are what we are - in the dark, shapes getting thinner. When the weather betrays you, kept the house warm that whole winter. And some holy night I hope to wake you up for your dinner. You say you don’t want to die. Guess God had a different plan for your time. You say you’re not ready to die. But you’ll send me a message, if you can, from the other side. Carry you out on a stretcher. Ambulance, become my neighbor. How can I trust someone I love to a stranger? I was someone you love, become a stranger.
4.
Johnsong 04:41
My friend John, he’s a good dealer, guess he used to sing blues. We met a quick change of shift. He says, “They don’t pay me a dime, no matter how much you lose.” I let that happy motherfucker take all of my chips. Learning to live in the land of the vine, where the words I write fade from the page, where destruction is human, ugliness is divine. Playful misspellings with how my body was made. But would you let my savior stay? The service is on Friday and my flight lands at three. We arrange to meet at the baggage claim. Said, “I’ve paid some heavy tolls, you might not recognize me.” So you stood up near the front holding a sign with my name. Living to learn up in the great northern pine with this hunger that I can’t seem to shake. You read me all the stories ‘bout the water to wine. But you couldn’t get into it on the third day. So would you let my savior stay? I took one with best intention. I took two for good health. Took three because I miss you, and a fourth for myself. Five and six and seven ‘til we’re all falling out. And now we’re screaming on the sidewalk, “Baby, don’t let me down.” And call my savior, ask for help.
5.
On my days off I go to the beaches. I like to go look at the people. And the dogs and the dunes, and the way we learn to laugh. Tidal pools all full of secrets, the ocean guarding and revealing. It’s not something that I’m feeling, it’s a thing I know. It’s the middle of the day. I could be any place on the whole wide world and I’m here. Time to time I call some people. Names and numbers in a cell phone. And I wrote them down for when that cell phone goes away. Hear a song nobody’s singing. Mysteries beyond repeating. And you know them all so there’s no reason for us to say. It’s the middle of the day. I could be any place on the whole wide world and I’m here.
6.
I wasn’t meant to be here, I forgot my better half but they made an exception, had some more room on the raft. Maybe I shouldn’t be so dry, maybe I wasn’t kind enough but the ocean view from my fourth floor room was too hard to pass up. Now books on tape, they help me sleep when it’s real late at night but I gotta remember to shut my blinds against the hemorrhagic light. Still, I got in trouble with a six hundred year old man for falling asleep at my post and stealing all his stamps. And the big man says that something’s coming. He’s sending out a bird. But I live in Los Angeles so I’ll need more than his word. I’ll need more than his word. Now it’s been one, two, three, four, five months or so, the calendar lost track. I’m not so good with filling my life, I’m even worse with math. The second hand’s as endless as the ocean’s vast. But I wound the clock right back to zero, it still won’t bring you back. And the mail goes out on Fridays, at least when we pass a pier. But I hope someone loses my postcards, I wish that I were here. ‘Cause it’s easier to forget it, I don’t want to forgive. It’s way too much to be remembering and way too long to live. And the big man says that something’s coming. He’s sending out a bird. But I live in Los Angeles so I’ll need more than his word. And the big man says that something’s coming. He’s sending out a dove. But I live in America so I’ll need more than his love. And he shot a dirty look my way. And I said “Really, how much do you think that someone could take?” I should’ve stayed in line. Could’ve finished my wine. At least I’d have something to hold when the clouds break. And the big man says that something’s coming. He’s sending out a bird. But I live in Los Angeles so I’ll need more than his word. And the big man says that something’s coming. He’s sending out a dove. But I live in America so I’ll need more than his love. And the big man says that something’s coming and he’s gonna kill a dove. But I live in America so I’ll need more than their blood. I’ll need more than their blood. I’ll need more than their blood. I’ll need more than their blood.
7.
Waking up mostly by accident. Since the accident, I’ve been someone else. And from downstairs, I can hear the office chairs roll ‘cross your bedroom floor. And I wish I was back at Miss Fiona’s. At least she’d know my name, and she would tell me where we stood. You invite me here. So keep a weighted blanket near. I’ve got a bad case of coming down. But I won’t get worried. ‘Cause if I’s any happier, if I was any prettier, I’d never leave my house. But I, I wish I was back at Miss Fiona’s. At least she’d know my name, and she would tell me where we stood. I said these cowards won’t last. No, not at Miss Fiona’s. That’s where she’d know my name, and she would tell me where we stood. I said I wish I was back at Miss Fiona’s. At least she’d know my name, and she would tell me where we stood.
8.
Phone call from the gas station I got my car turned around in a government office. Followed the headlights, missed my exit, missed the next one. I wasn’t paying much attention to be honest. I drove my car at a wall. You returned my call. I was screaming bloody murder just like Shelley Duvall. I had a box of our stuff packed in the trunk. Not much, just some shoes and a picture of us. Don’t know what I’d say if anyone should stop by. It’s a drive I’ve made a hundred times before. It’s a drive I might never make again. And all the signs bleed into the colors of the forest. And the lines on the highway begin to bend. It’s getting late, yeah it’s a quarter past two. I start to think maybe I’ve bit off more than I can chew. And it’s Halloween, so if I get home by three I’ll be walking ‘round town just like Jamie Lee, wondering where all my friends have gone. And it’s true there’s been some sideways rain here. It’s true that there’s been this ringing in my ears. It’s true there’s been monsters standing way too near. So it’s the end of the line, yeah it’s the end of my turn. I’m gonna make it out of here just like Marilyn Burns with the blood dripping down my face. Because if that’s what it takes, then that’s what it takes. I put the car into gear and I ease off the brakes. If that’s what it takes, that's what it takes. If that’s what it takes, that's what it takes.
9.
We met at a party, shared a mic for a song, carved our name in an alley, and we were set to be married. And later on the hot springs, we tried to be a mean dog’s friend. Ended up just making movies, and we were set to be endless. Oh, Johanna, if you think of me, don’t strain your finite mercy. I always wanted to be a heretic just like you. We were stealing bibles. We were stealing candles. We were stealing everything that wasn’t nailed right down to the floor. That’s when you turned and you asked me, “How could you forget the latchkey? How could you forget everything?” We took the hinges right off of the door. Oh, Johanna, if you think of me, don’t strain your finite mercy. I always wanted to be a heretic just like you. And I’ve been losing out on my best friend. I never signed up to be a field medic. And I’ve been living out on my wit’s end. I never signed up to be a bedside exorcist. I never signed up to be anything much at all. Oh, Johanna, if that’s how it’s gotta be, don’t strain your finite mercy. I always wanted to be a heretic just like you. Oh, Johanna, that’s the mystery. Don’t strain your finite mercy. I always wanted to be a heretic just like you.
10.
Easy 05:34
Bobby, do you wanna meet me by the pool? I could probably get a ride there with someone from school. I guess everyone grew a conscience. They don’t wanna hit the cars. But I’ll help you get whatever you need, wherever you are. I know you don’t want to be with me. You know I don’t want to be anything. I know you don’t want to be with me. But if you did I swear I’d be easy. Bobby, do you wanna meet me by the river? I’ve been inside for way too long and I need to feel myself shiver. And if I were getting better, I’m supposed to ask you to stop. But I’m in a little trouble myself and that’s not what we want. I know you don’t want to be with me. You know I don’t want to be anything. I know you don’t want to be with me. But if you did I swear I’d be easy. And if you miss the old backyard, we’ll dig up on the family farm. Or if you want to just pass through, we’ll always make space for you. And if you need to break my heart, go do what you’ve gotta do. Yeah, if you need, you could break my heart, just let me be in love with you. I know you don’t want to be with me. You know I don’t want to be anything. I know you don’t want to be with me. But if you did I swear I’d be easy.
11.
Blood on my notebook looks like oil on ice. Before you went to the hospital, we did a lot of speed (and) watched The Blair Witch Project twice. And it’s true that I missed the ending. Did you hit rewind, or does it repeat forever? That VHS tape had glowing white eyes. After I got out of the hospital, we met at the river’s edge to take some Klonopin. Crushed it up in an old town map. And it’s true that I nearly drowned there, soaked to the boots ‘til you came and found me and pulled me out like a dirty riverbed rat. There is a whole world getting lost in your eyes. I’m gonna do bad things until the day that I die. One thing I do know, the witch is alive, looming larger in the woods not far from here.
12.
Magazine 03:28
I’ve got myself a hat. I promised I wouldn’t steal. I’m gonna meet a dealer, gonna make a great big deal out of the things in the mountain and the things that aren’t real. God, cry me a river. God, cry me a moat. I’m fixing up some dinner. I’m fixing up a boat out of the mud of the muskrat and dinosaur bones. Just to accrue more debt, smoke better cigarettes. I’m gonna meet a teacher, and I’m gonna take a test. The man that love, or the man that I left, snuck out on a Wednesday with that ash on my head, looking like I had been cut out of a magazine. If I were to eat, the fruit that’s in my hand, if it stains my teeth or if it tastes like sand, if the sea never wanted to swallow the land. If I left the cavern, if I left the dirt, if I left my family, if I left the church, if the moon never wanted to break from the earth. Just to accrue more debt, smoke better cigarettes. I’m gonna meet a teacher, gonna have better sex. The man that love became the man that I left, snuck out on a Thursday with his blood on my chest, looking like I had been cut out of a magazine. Well, I’d rather by the mystery, or some forgotten ministry, the sound of someone else’s song. Even if I don’t remember it, or if I end my membership, forget to leave the porch light on. If the earth gets too tired to circle the sun, if my heart gets too wired to pump all my blood, if I make like a basin and drink up a flood:

credits

released October 20, 2023

Rory Strong - guitar, vocals, bass, xylophone, thunder sheet, keyboard
Anna Betancourt - piano
Kristina Richardson - drums
Maeve Hanson - cello
Mike “Slo-mo” Brenner - pedal steel
Francis Co - additional vocals on “Books on Tape”

Jeff Bowler - recording, mixing, mastering.
Hugo Willis - album artwork
Scirocco Richardson - photography

Recorded Oct. 2022 at Dream Machine in Long Beach, w/ additional tracking at Jeff’s.

All songs written by Rory Strong except “Johnsong” which was written by Simi Kunin, Jeff Bowler and Rory Strong.

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Rory Strong Long Beach, California

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